Today is National Honesty Day and so I am sharing some honest truths that I’m always afraid to face.
First; I am not sure who I am or what my purpose is in life anymore.
Life is like a one man play with an immeasurable amount of roles to act out. You need to keep changing with the times and your surroundings. Each scene brings some new challenge and how you meet that defines who you are and what you are there for. Currently I am struggling to find the balance between being a mother, a wife, a professional, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and myself. Who am I and which role is most important from minute to minute; day to day?
In yoga we practice breathing exercises (pranayama), poses (asanas), and meditation to reach enlightenment about that very question. My yoga practice is fragmented and this is a reflection of where I am at in life and vice versa. This is why I feel that yoga blends well with any religion. It helps you to follow a path to understanding how you fit into this big world around you.
Second; I am not sure I know how to get back to being me, but I’m willing to try.
I am currently not in the physical shape that I normally am. I am not in the mental state in which I like to be. My relationships are not what I want them to be. My career is not where I thought it would be. I sway back and forth between goals and desires and challenges I want to meet and fall often into fear and routine that is comforting instead of invigorating. I have blogged already a lot about different goals and all of them have been physical with a hint at the emotional/personal/spiritual/mental. I have abandon so many goals already this year. I have been lacking a serious commitment up to this point.
I feel like the first step to realization for me is to regain that physical state that keeps me balanced. So, for 2014 I am going to stay focused on the physical path to enlightenment. I want to return to the physical stature I held prior to getting pregnant by the end of this year. I want to be training for something and training hard. I want to see my body with eyes of acceptance and to feel it move and act as I know it to do.
I will save 2015 to tackle the head and I have a plan for that too. I will trust in my past experiences to bring me full circle and make me complete. I read a really great blog post yesterday over at Fit, Feminist, and (almost) Fifty that talked about therapy and how running only gets you so far. I agree a great deal with the use of therapy, but I also believe that I have all of the answers within me. My husband is a therapist and he says that most of his job is asking the right questions to help others come to the answers they seek on their own. If this is the case, I already know the questions I have and how I have come to the answers in the past. I start on this journey on the eve of May. May I count on you to join me?