It’s Monday evening after a long and tiresome weekend. I traveled to Vermont this weekend via Connecticut and stayed in New Hampshire. You have to love how close and small the New England states are. But after the holiday it was hard to be away from my family for another weekend. I am happy to know that I won’t be traveling again without them for at least a month. But it’s back to Meditation Monday today and I actually have a whole week planned out for you that links well with Gates’ book and more on the study of the fourth yama, Brahmacarya.
The Day 40 reading (where we’re starting the next five days of passages) pairs perfectly for my thoughts today. And it says that in much of his research Gates came across Brahmacarya in regards to bravery and courage. Remember that this yama or moral restraint is that of moderation. I’m sure that many people in our society would associate being able to live a moderate lifestyle by choice with some kind of superhuman strength of will. However, his examination of this idea took me somewhere else entirely. He asks, in a sense, to consider what it is that you are in need of courage to do in life?
My workshop this weekend was at a very nice facility and I would be very happy to find out that any of the participants had stumbled upon my blog. I really enjoyed their company and would love to keep in contact with them. But, overall I had lower participant reviews than I usually receive. I know I can’t get all top marks 100% of the time, but as a type A person this is what I expect for myself and eagerly strive for. As much as I’d like to say that I’m 100% intrinsically motivated, that I’m finding a few situations in which I want recognition. However, I also feel that I want top marks because that reflects that I have helped someone and that is what I feel is my ultimate goal in life….Help.
So, I spent some time reflecting on this question of what I need courage to do in my life and tried to get over my self-doubt as quickly as possible. And my meditation brought me to this: I need to find the way to stop procrastinating and to go after my dreams. Because, what am I really waiting for? I have pretty much a 4 year plan in order at the moment. But what happens at the end of that 4 years and what I do with some things I’ve been working on at the moment are keys to answering the question on courage. The simple gist of it all is that I want to teach at the college level, but in more than a physical education class. I want to wear real clothes to work some days instead of just gym clothes. I want to be looked at as a faculty member and not a staff member. The question of it all is as follows:
Do I wait until the baby is old enough to start school and then start applying for jobs that may move us away from here?
Do I hope that the current school I work for works out and eventually I become full-time there or at the other school in town where we end up staying in Wilmington?
Do I work on securing us financially so that when it’s time for the big man to go to school that I can foreseeably head into a Doctoral program?
I think I am asking myself to find the courage to finish projects in the next 4 years and to push for my voice to be heard when I am ready to switch my career from full-time mom to full-time professional again. I need courage to put myself first at that point and time and to know, truly in my heart, what my path will be. I need courage and strength to know how hard to fight to reach those dreams, but at the same time, courage to be accepting of the great life that I have and the amazing family that we have created. I need courage to trust my judgement that I had before I started considering (and really only focusing on) others in my life.
Four years may seem like a long time from now, but the days go by as quickly as minutes. I won’t doubt my ability to affect change and to help. I won’t look to others for the answers. I will live in moderation and see, truly see, the beauty of what my life has to offer me at every turn.