Think Out Loud Thursday: Legacy

In my quest to see myself differently this year, I am going to have to let go of a few things from my perceptions on life and happiness. My youngest son turned 19 months old on the first of the year and the guy who made me a mom will be 4 years old later this month. I remember that he was about 19 months old when I got pregnant with his brother and so I’m starting to feel that same urge and sadness of not being pregnant again. When I was young I thought I’d never want to have a family in the traditional sense. I wanted to be independent and not need to get married. I had a stifled and misguided impression of what feminism really was.

In my early 20’s I was married and started planning to have a family….a big one with 5 or 6 children. I had put my trust in someone and wanted to share my life with them and have little representations of that life and love. At some point in my mid to late 20’s I was told that that dream was almost 100% not going to come true, so I started to make peace with that ideal. I was divorced and on my own. My first Christmas as a single late 20 something I started considering adopting a child on my own. It was a crazy idea, but sounded easier than trying to go through in-vitro with a donor and all of that jazz. My clock was ticking, but I wasn’t quite resigned to the fact that it was a good idea for me to be a mom.

When I unexpectedly got pregnant about a year and a half later I was both terrified (like I was a high school student who got knocked up) and thrilled at the same time. It was not an easy pregnancy situationally, but in the end I had a beautiful baby boy and he filled me with purpose and happiness like I’d never imagined I could feel. I had such a sense of responsibility toward him, the kind that makes you a little over protective. But I also felt so blessed and joyful at the miracle that had occurred. I was a mom! When it was time to start “trying” for baby #2 I had lots of nerves and anxiety about if lightning could strike twice and was very happy and felt extremely lucky when I was pregnant 2 months later.

During my first pregnancy we did not find out the sex of the baby. I didn’t want to know because it was one of life’s last great surprises to me. I hoped and prayed for a boy and got exactly what I asked for. Yes, like any other parent I said I only cared about having a healthy baby, but I really wanted a boy. I was the oldest in my family and had always wished that I had had an older brother. During my second pregnancy we found out, but kept the sex a secret from everyone else. I’m surprised that no one could have guessed it was another boy by my much lower mood. I had hoped and prayed for a girl this time so that there would remain a “balance” in our house. My husband is from a family of all boys and I from half and half. I wanted what I was used to and had seen the toll all boys had taken on my MIL. At our ultrasound they announced it was a girl and my heart soared! Then came the, “oh, wait a minute, nope, it’s a boy….” and the tears shed.

I cried for an entire day. My second little guy was born and I never stopped loving him, nor wished for him to be a girl. But I still held out hope that we would at least try for a girl one more time. However, my husband was done having children and back in August he made sure that we weren’t going to have any more. So, now I sit here at the time that I would have hoped to be pregnant again with the full knowledge that not only will I never have another baby, but I will never have a daughter of my own.

After that long introduction, here is my thought process for our Think Out Loud Thursday

What I’m Missing by Not Having a Girl
I always thought that I’d leave behind another strong, confident woman like myself. I see often as I travel through airports and watch my friends with their daughters, many “mini-me’s” that I know I’ll never have. Instead I have two wonderful, bright, and funny boys who are caring and kind hearted, adventurous and wise, and who keep me on my toes. Our relationship will change over the years and perhaps that’s somewhat of why I feel like I might be missing out on having a girl. Here are some things I think I would miss (some I’m glad I’m missing and some I’m still sad about).

Too Much Pink and Frills
The Baby
Changing diapers
Tiny things
Breastfeeding….miss the closeness, not the other parts
Toddler Tantrums
Pigtails (that’s me by the way)
Dating, Prom, and High School
Drama, periods, Make-up and chocolate binges, deterring her from dieting, etc, etc, etc
Being the mom of the mom to be. This is the most recent photo I can find of my mom and I together (It’s from 2 years ago…we don’t often take pics together) and I was pregnant with number 2.
Is there anything else I’m missing good or bad?
Do you moms of boys feel the same?
What do you feel like you might miss if you’re a mom of girls?

Thanks Amanda for letting me get that off of my mind!

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2 thoughts on “Think Out Loud Thursday: Legacy

  1. I just happened upon this post from the think out loud link up. I'm a mom of two boys (13 and 9). While I still sometimes miss that I'll never have the same kind of relationship with a daughter that I have with my mom, I love having two boys. There is a different dynamic between boys (not necessarily better, just different.) I've been exposed to a thought process totally different than my own. Teen boys aren't easy, but in many ways they are less challenging than what my friends who have girls are going through. And some of the fears I'd have for a girl are not ones I have with boys. I think the part you are likely having the hardest part with is being completely done. Three kids was never an option for us and I still had moments of difficulty with "no more". Hang in there. Eventually the "sad about" part seems less important.

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  2. Hi MCM Mama! Welcome! Thank you for sharing about your experience with boys. Each day I wake up to a new adventure in a house full of men. My husband, having grown up with only boys, will say things like, "that's just how boys are." Whereas I grew up with half and half in my house, so I know that boys don't always have to fit the stereotype. I totally agree about not having as much drama in my house in 10 years from now when my little guys start to hit the teenage years and that I am probably having the hardest part with being done with babies all together. I love that my boys will still tell me, "I will love you forever" and I will hold on to that for as long as I can!

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