Yesterday was my first day back at CFCC and I decided to use the Meditations from the Mat book for my Yoga II class. I picked up where I last left off on Day 51. I felt like I had read and journaled about that reading already, but I needed it again anyway. It was back when I was working with Aparigraha: non-hoarding, non-grasping, not holding on to. Essentially, this is the yoga way of Letting Go that I have referred to often.
The reading spoke about letting go of old ideals that maybe aren’t your own, but that were imprinted upon you. I needed to let go of something else. This is probably one of the most personal posts that I’ve ever written and I almost hesitated to put pen to paper on this one.
Tuesday night I had a dream that I took my family to Colorado. The dream is all choppy in my memory, but it went something like this….we were driving around Colorado Springs where I used to live. But, someone was after us. So, I dropped my family off at this house to keep them safe and made some slick maneuvers to get away from the chasers. I drove our truck (we don’t own a truck) up this steep mountain road to where it almost flipped backward and then I bailed and slid down the dirt to a shed at the bottom. In the shed I found myself at the back of a restaurant I used to frequent there and I ran through the restaurant and out the front door. I went down the sidewalk past all of these tall houses. Houses like I’ve never seen in Colorado Springs. I ended up in the dark, back at the place I had stashed my family and I went inside. We were not supposed to be there, and I knew it, but I kept them there anyway. We started eating food and letting the kids watch tv. I went upstairs to the master bathroom. I knew whose house it was, but I didn’t know why I took my family there. And then…..they were home. The people who lived there. The woman with the blonde hair, the twin boy and girl, and him. It was my ex-husband’s house. He was staring at me standing in his bedroom.
I don’t remember anything else about the dream/nightmare. But, over the past year I have had these weird feelings about him. We are no longer in contact and I am very happy in my life now with my family. As they say; No Regrets. So, as I sat there in meditation with my class, I did something I hadn’t done before. I recalled the dream and asked myself: WHY?!
- Why can’t I let go of him?
- Why would I even be there?
- Why would I take my family there?
- Why does he keep coming back into my mind?
I feel trapped by these things I don’t understand. Most often in my meditation I sit on an idea and clarity comes to me. Maybe just a different way of thinking of something, or feeling about it. But not today. Today I am still at a loss for an answer. So, I propose this to myself, because maybe I’ve been missing something all along:
Day Thirteen: Ask why more during meditation; be more inquisitive about the signs and answers being given to me; understand my meditation better.
A special Thank You to Amanda for the outlet for my mind today.