Asking Why?

Yesterday was my first day back at CFCC and I decided to use the Meditations from the Mat book for my Yoga II class. I picked up where I last left off on Day 51. I felt like I had read and journaled about that reading already, but I needed it again anyway. It was back when I was working with Aparigraha: non-hoarding, non-grasping, not holding on to. Essentially, this is the yoga way of Letting Go that I have referred to often.

The reading spoke about letting go of old ideals that maybe aren’t your own, but that were imprinted upon you. I needed to let go of something else. This is probably one of the most personal posts that I’ve ever written and I almost hesitated to put pen to paper on this one.

Tuesday night I had a dream that I took my family to Colorado. The dream is all choppy in my memory, but it went something like this….we were driving around Colorado Springs where I used to live. But, someone was after us. So, I dropped my family off at this house to keep them safe and made some slick maneuvers to get away from the chasers. I drove our truck (we don’t own a truck) up this steep mountain road to where it almost flipped backward and then I bailed and slid down the dirt to a shed at the bottom. In the shed I found myself at the back of a restaurant I used to frequent there and I ran through the restaurant and out the front door. I went down the sidewalk past all of these tall houses. Houses like I’ve never seen in Colorado Springs. I ended up in the dark, back at the place I had stashed my family and I went inside. We were not supposed to be there, and I knew it, but I kept them there anyway. We started eating food and letting the kids watch tv. I went upstairs to the master bathroom. I knew whose house it was, but I didn’t know why I took my family there. And then…..they were home. The people who lived there. The woman with the blonde hair, the twin boy and girl, and him. It was my ex-husband’s house. He was staring at me standing in his bedroom.

I don’t remember anything else about the dream/nightmare. But, over the past year I have had these weird feelings about him. We are no longer in contact and I am very happy in my life now with my family. As they say; No Regrets. So, as I sat there in meditation with my class, I did something I hadn’t done before. I recalled the dream and asked myself: WHY?!

  • Why can’t I let go of him?
  • Why would I even be there?
  • Why would I take my family there?
  • Why does he keep coming back into my mind?

I feel trapped by these things I don’t understand. Most often in my meditation I sit on an idea and clarity comes to me. Maybe just a different way of thinking of something, or feeling about it. But not today. Today I am still at a loss for an answer. So, I propose this to myself, because maybe I’ve been missing something all along:

Day Thirteen: Ask why more during meditation; be more inquisitive about the signs and answers being given to me; understand my meditation better.

A special Thank You to Amanda for the outlet for my mind today.


6 thoughts on “Asking Why?

    1. AL

      Thank you for this Emily. I feel that I understand my purpose in life and live to serve that purpose. Some other things in life do boggle me though!


  1. Even though the answers might not come to us right away, I think that asking “why?” is a super important part of self discovery and growth. I’ve spent hours upon hours trying to unravel some of the mysteries behind my thoughts and habits, and while the going is slow and frustrating at times, it feels pretty darn awesome when you finally get that answer.


    1. AL

      The need to investigate further during meditation is something very new to me. I’m a rather inquisitive person by nature, but have never really needed to ask more than the “what” I was considering while meditating. Now I feel like I need to get deeper. I do love that feeling of having the answer and I think that is what drives me forward in all of my endeavors.


  2. I’ve definitely spent hours asking myself, why and just relaxing and focusing. I think you can truly uncover some beautiful facts and memories that way. Great post and something I needed to read today.


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