Being a stay at home mom was a plan that someone else had for me in my first marriage. I was willing to go along with it that time around, but when I found out I was pregnant in the middle of grad school, I had different plans in mind. I assumed I would just get a job and we would hire a nanny to come to our house and help us with our son. However, once I had him in my arms, I didn’t want him going anywhere else.
It wasn’t intentional that I ended up at home with my son. I applied for jobs and moved to where my husband had a job and continued to apply for jobs. I did odd work (wine tastings for his brother) and a race or two for the company I’d interned with (RTE), but I didn’t have any real work until he was almost a year old. I started teaching online for ECU in the same LPAF program I’d worked in during my grad program, but they were making more changes and teaching online was very different than face to face. I again found myself floundering in the field I thought I’d be so successful in.
At that same time I was hired on by NETA and then sat in wait of the first time I would get to travel and teach a workshop. I was terrified! Then the day came….June 2012. The workshop coincided with about the same time as our anniversary, so I was able to take my husband with me on my first trip out to Myrtle Beach, SC. I was teaching at Coastal Carolina University in Conway, SC (a place I’d applied for several jobs over the course of the past year and a half). I was teaching a yoga certification to 5 participants and I had no clue what I was doing.
I practiced and read and rehearsed with my little guy at home in preparation for the workshop. And still I bombed! I felt like I knew nothing when I got there. I talked too loud sometimes and too quiet at others. I was so out of a regular teaching practice that my demonstrations were terrible and I basically read the entire training manual to them….word for word! I was crushed by the end of it all and reconsidering everything I ever thought I could do.
Yoga felt like the enemy who had just judged me unworthy…..