For Saturday-Monday of the long holiday weekend I chose to turn back to the Gates book and spend some time in meditation for my 30 Days of Yoga challenge. I gave myself at least 5 minutes each day to reflect upon the ideas at hand and I picked up where I left off the last time I attempted to finish this book. I was in the section of the book still on the Yamas and Aparigraha or the precept of non-hoarding. I’ve written about this concept many times and about the idea of letting go in yoga before. It’s one of the main things I preach about in practice. Be here. Be present. Let Go…..
However, this weekend I felt a little deeper.Saturday’s reading started out pretty standard with the ideas of letting go of ideas and ideals that don’t suit who you are any longer. I wrote down two statements to finish:
Maybe I won’t
Maybe I’m not
Why? Because maybe it’s time to let go some thoughts about who I was and who I would be and live more in the now. So, maybe I won’t get my PhD as I had hoped. Can I live with that? Then things started to get sad…..Maybe I’m not a good mom? Maybe I won’t feel fulfilled again? And then positivity won out….Maybe I won’t let life push me down.
Then Sunday the book drew me deeper into letting go of resentment and anger and beginning to forgive. We’ve all heard the saying that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I get the concept, but it’s been really hard to put into practice. And sometimes I need to forgive myself too. So I asked myself:
How can I forgive?
Can I ask for forgiveness?
Which will set my soul at ease and my life on course?
By yesterday my heart was full of emotions that needed to be sorted out and then I read “Peace is the first condition….” and the tears came. Where is my peace?
To be honest, I know where my peace is. It’s on my runs. It’s in the moments laughing with my children. It’s when I can be with my husband and not judging him or myself. It’s when I’m teaching. It’s when I’m doing yoga. It’s all around me but I sometimes forget to acknowledge peace and happiness in my life.
My struggle is no different than anyone else’s these days. I am not alone. We just all forget from time to time to Be here. Be present. Let Go of the world around you that’s calling you to the brink of insanity to judge yourself and others and to make you feel unworthy.
So, for today I decided to go back to a pose I love for 5 minutes….Standing Wide Leg Forward Bend and just try to be here.
While there I’m thinking about this quote from the Day 53 reading in Meditations from the Mat
….what we cannot forgive in others we cannot forgive in ourselves; what we withhold from others we withhold from ourselves. The judgments we pronounce upon others are ultimately being pronounced upon ourselves, …..
Where is your peace?
What are you hoarding?
What do you think about forgiveness?