Meditation Monday #64 – The Two Fears

I have been meditating almost daily this year thanks to the Mindful Mornings Meditation Challenge on InsightTimer that I did in January.  It’s over now, but I have been continuing to get up and have meditation as my first real act of the day. This past week I started using the Daily Insight feature, but found the FREE 5 minute option to be both useful and too short. So, this morning I started just scrolling through the suggestions on the main page and looking at what was in the time range I wanted to be in. I came across this meditation podcast:

I loved the idea of looking at fear from two perspectives:

  • Fear of Failure – which I am sure we are all very familiar with
  • Fear of Success – which is probably a lot less common

I am kind of glad that this podcast didn’t touch on FOMO because I’m kind of over FOMO at the moment as my puppy’s separation anxiety is just blown up FOMO.

Earlier this week I had a revelation about myself and relationships. I realized that I was not practicing yoga in my relationships. Aparigraha is about not hoarding or not holding on to things that don’t still belong to you or the you you are now. I realized that I was still holding out hope for a reconciliation of a relationship because I wanted what it had given me at one time. But, I am not that person any more and I don’t want to be that person, so I don’t really want that relationship.

As soon as I had that enlightening moment I was able to let go of the fear that I would never have that again and instead found that within myself. The thing I was missing? Honesty. Honesty about who I am and allowing myself to live that truth. Maybe I also had a fear of succeeding on my own? I will never know because I recognize that I am succeeding at giving myself what I need. I am allowing me to be me and to grow. I was able to let go of some fear this week.

What fear are you still living with?

TOLT #87 – Searching

This past week has been a little bit better in the checking off things department. However, yesterday I didn’t get a chance to do a Wellness Wednesday post because my Wellness Inventory account was closed for most of the day. I was able to do a little work on myself there today, but I didn’t want to post late.

Instead, I opted to post today about a meditation/podcast I did this week. I used my Insight Timer app to finally listen to a podcast about self-love. It started out in a way that reminded me so much of SNL’s Delicious Dish segments that I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to take it seriously. I decided to listen to the podcast while I did my yoga practice since I felt it wasn’t the same as a meditation. This had both positives (two birds with one stone) and negatives (my kids often talk through my physical practice and it was sometimes hard to focus on both the posture/breath work and their discussion).

I really don’t know how people listen to podcasts while they drive!

But, I just wanted to share one thought from the podcast with you today:

You are searching for what you’re searching with.

I am sure that this will mean something different to each of you, so I encourage you to share how that phrase resonates with you…..



Meditation Monday #56 – How to Meditate – Body Position

I’ve been going strong on meditation now for the past couple of weeks. I am using the Insight Timer app (and no, I’m not sponsored by them….I don’t even have a paid account) and have now worked my way fully through the Self-Esteem section for Beginners. But, when I meditate, I break the rules a little……
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Meditation Monday #56 – Finding Symmetry Before Depth

It’s been almost a year since I wrote my own Meditation Monday post…’s been almost as long since I really dedicated time to my own meditation. Lately I’ve been using small meditation sessions on YouTube in the early morning hours when I actually get up at 6am and do some yoga. It’s helping.

Last week I was doing some yoga (not in the morning) and Erin Motz said to

go for symmetry before depth; the depth will come naturally

Although she was talking about pigeon pose; this really made me think about life in general and how we all need balance. That all of the great and wonderful experiences in life only come when you have balance. Maybe it’s me being a Libra and loving balance and justice, but I truly feel that all of life needs BALANCE before everything else.

I wonder if this is a hint about last week’s Wellness Wednesday question….where to start?

Missing the Mom I Used to Be

This morning I did my yoga again and a 5 minute meditation. Yesterday’s meditation wasn’t for me, so I tried a new one today. I can tell that my heart chakra is very much in need of repair right now. My yoga practice keeps telling me to open my chest (closed poses are hard) and in my meditation today….I cried.

It was a simple instruction…..

Think back to one moment in your life that really brought you lots of joy

I flashed back to this moment that I have recorded. I was pregnant with my second and my husband is blowing bubbles in the dining room of our old house for my oldest to catch. He is two years old. He is adorably excited and telling me how he caught 2 bubbles or a Mama Bubble or a Baby Alligator bubble (that’s what we called the little one until we knew his name). He is smiling, my husband is smiling, I was smiling.

I felt joy and happiness and growth inside of me. I felt complete; as if this was the life I was going to have and it was perfect. What could be more perfect than watching your child’s joy amplified by bubbles?

I cried because that little boy is no longer so happy and joyful and easily entertained. That’s our fault. WE have taken away a lot of the joy and simplicity from his life.

I am not the same mom I used to be then. Then, I was less busy with work and more into designing my life around these two little lives. I was so joyful and content every day to take them places and watch them grow. Now I want to take them places and watch them learn new things and experience all of the highs and lows of their life, but I don’t feel I have the freedom to do that. I feel restricted because I tried to follow someone else’s rules about parenting and that made me strict toward my kids…..

I admit that I’ve always been a plan maker and a rule follower when it comes to my kids. I try to feed them well and raise them to be good people, but now I feel pressured to make sure that they are allowed to be “normal” kids and get to watch tv a ton and play video games and drink soda every day. I have been told how to talk to them and when I can and cannot talk to them. I have been told not to yell, but that I am not authoritative enough. I have been called names for limiting time on electronics, but then asked, what are they supposed to do? Read a book? As if education is a bad thing….

My way I parent has changed and caused me to be bitter toward parenting… I cried at what I have given up. Now I feel tense as I parent, as if I’m being watched and my choices judged or overruled at every turn.

I cried because I am angry in a way I don’t want to be. I cried because there are days I don’t want to parent because I know it can’t be what I used to have. I want more for them and more for myself as a parent who truly loves to spend time with her children; to watch them grow……