This morning I did my yoga again and a 5 minute meditation. Yesterday’s meditation wasn’t for me, so I tried a new one today. I can tell that my heart chakra is very much in need of repair right now. My yoga practice keeps telling me to open my chest (closed poses are hard) and in my meditation today….I cried.
It was a simple instruction…..
Think back to one moment in your life that really brought you lots of joy
I flashed back to this moment that I have recorded. I was pregnant with my second and my husband is blowing bubbles in the dining room of our old house for my oldest to catch. He is two years old. He is adorably excited and telling me how he caught 2 bubbles or a Mama Bubble or a Baby Alligator bubble (that’s what we called the little one until we knew his name). He is smiling, my husband is smiling, I was smiling.
I felt joy and happiness and growth inside of me. I felt complete; as if this was the life I was going to have and it was perfect. What could be more perfect than watching your child’s joy amplified by bubbles?
I cried because that little boy is no longer so happy and joyful and easily entertained. That’s our fault. WE have taken away a lot of the joy and simplicity from his life.
I am not the same mom I used to be then. Then, I was less busy with work and more into designing my life around these two little lives. I was so joyful and content every day to take them places and watch them grow. Now I want to take them places and watch them learn new things and experience all of the highs and lows of their life, but I don’t feel I have the freedom to do that. I feel restricted because I tried to follow someone else’s rules about parenting and that made me strict toward my kids…..
I admit that I’ve always been a plan maker and a rule follower when it comes to my kids. I try to feed them well and raise them to be good people, but now I feel pressured to make sure that they are allowed to be “normal” kids and get to watch tv a ton and play video games and drink soda every day. I have been told how to talk to them and when I can and cannot talk to them. I have been told not to yell, but that I am not authoritative enough. I have been called names for limiting time on electronics, but then asked, what are they supposed to do? Read a book? As if education is a bad thing….
My way I parent has changed and caused me to be bitter toward parenting…..so I cried at what I have given up. Now I feel tense as I parent, as if I’m being watched and my choices judged or overruled at every turn.
I cried because I am angry in a way I don’t want to be. I cried because there are days I don’t want to parent because I know it can’t be what I used to have. I want more for them and more for myself as a parent who truly loves to spend time with her children; to watch them grow……